How to raise a child happy

If a woman decided to become a mother, most often her baby is the most beloved and desired. It is important for her not only that, he is fed, shod or dressed, but also whether he will be happy, whether he can fulfill all his dreams. Often, even loving parents make one important mistake. Many believe that a good material base will be a guarantee of the happiness of their child, so they are ready to leave it to their grandmothers, other relatives or nannies. It is good if a person who has been entrusted with a baby truly loves children. If not, it may affect the entire future life of the child.

Attachment theory

Now the theory is widespread that all psychological problems in a person come from childhood. And indeed it is. Many psychologists believe that the model of human behavior develops in early childhood. From a significant adult who spent all his time with a child, it depends on how the baby will then relate to the world around him.

But, here I would like to make one important digression. This does not mean that all human failures can be explained only by the mistakes of the parents. Even if in childhood he received a negative experience, it does not mean that he will definitely become a failure. The human brain is flexible, everything can be adjusted. You should not blame an unhappy childhood for your failures when you are 40 or 60 years old. In addition, anxiety in an adult can be formed for other reasons. Sometimes it is determined by genetics.

John Bowlby on the role of mother

Scientists believe that attachment to the person who cares about him is important for the baby. The psychoanalyst and scientist John Bowlby spoke about this for the first time. He was fond of ethology. This science that studies instinctive behavior. Nature also laid the mother's love for her child, because it was necessary for the survival of a particular species. After giving birth to a woman, the amount of oxytocin in the blood rises dramatically. It is he who determines the emotional attachment of the mother to the baby. The fact that there is a maternal instinct, said before that. But Bowlby went further. He suggested that it is the baby’s communication with a significant adult for him that determines his future confidence in the world, it depends on whether he can establish social relations.

It seems to us that the baby does not remember anything, and it does not matter who has been caring for him for the first 2 years. But scientists are confident that it is this period of time that will determine how the child will then perceive the world. The baby does not know how to build relationships with other people. It will adapt to the way adults treat it, that is, it can take both coldness and rejection as the norm.

Up to 2 months, babies try to attract the attention of any adults. But a little later, they begin to distinguish between people and choose for themselves the most significant. It occurs between 2 and 6 months. After six months, the child forms a stable attachment.

Mary Ainsworth on affections

John Bowlby's theory was supported. Mary Ainsworth found that children can have different types of affection. One or another type is formed depending on how he was treated by a significant adult. There are 4 types of attachment in mother and child:
  1. Reliable. This is the most healthy type. Children know they can count on adults. They will always be there, will be able to protect them, give emotional support, intimacy. Growing up, he will begin to value trust and love, will be an independent, confident adult. Typically, these children have always been a mother, she could share her love. She quickly reacted to the crying baby.
  2. Anxiety-resistant. The child is not sure that a significant adult for him will always be there as soon as he needs him. He is experiencing hard separation from his beloved person, he reacts to it sharply, he is afraid of strangers. Children do not feel safe, often they are not independent. When the mother who left him returns, they are not only happy about this, but also angry that she left them. Typically, these babies mom manifested itself in different ways. Sometimes she was affectionate and responsive, and sometimes she was not. This inconsistency made children insecure, because they did not know whether a significant person would be around when they needed it. They may grow in such a way, in the future to demand confirmation of the reciprocity of feelings.
  3. Anxious-avoiding. These children, left alone, look independent. They do not cry, do not look for mom, and when she returns, they do not seek closeness. When mother wants to take him in her arms, the baby breaks out and looks away. They seem calm, but psychologists are confident that this behavior indicates emotional difficulties. The children who were constantly rejected showed coldness towards them, trying to forget that they needed a mother. They do not want new disappointments and try to do without it.
  4. Disorganized. Kids behave differently, sometimes reaching for mom, sometimes they reject and rebel. Most often, this behavior is associated with psychological trauma of the mother, which she suffered before or after the birth of the child, because of which she had severe depression. Such children are born to mothers who lost their parents before graduation.
These types of attachment affect the child’s future behavior. If the attachment was unreliable, this does not mean that in the future he will definitely have problems. But if the parents do not change their attitude, then consequences may arise. Children will grow up insecure, inflexible, and they may have relationship problems. This pattern of behavior can gain a foothold and go on their relationship with the spouse.

Theory of Attachment in Adolescence

In the 1980s, scientists Cindy Hazan and Philip Shaver took the next step. He identified types of attachment in adults. And they almost coincided with those that appear in childhood. There are 4 of them too:
  1. Reliable. They have a good opinion about their loved one and about themselves. They are comfortable in any relationship, they can maintain a balance between intimacy and freedom. People with a reliable type of attachment are more likely than others to create a strong family. They form strong bonds in which, however, there is no dependence on the partner.
  2. Tevozhno-preoccupied. If a person has this type of attachment, he often underestimates himself, but he is ready to put his partner on a pedestal. People with this kind of affection often have codependent relationships in which they seek constant confirmation of their worth. This sacrificial love cannot be called the norm, since another person should not become a cent of the Universe for another, but rather, a sign of pathology. They need a high level of intimacy, responsiveness, they can be emotionally expressive, very restless and impulsive, and this sooner or later tires.
  3. Neglecting - avoiding. Such people demand independence, try to avoid any attachments. They are sure that they are too self-sufficient, they do not need love or close relationships. They are subconsciously afraid that they may be rejected, they are afraid of becoming vulnerable, therefore they keep their distance from others. If they have relationships, they can break them themselves so as not to be abandoned.
  4. Closed - phobic. They have mixed feelings. Such people, on the one hand, want to be in a close relationship, on the other hand they feel discomfort from emotional intimacy. Often they do not show their feelings, they can suppress them, avoiding any closeness.
Scientists warn that the types of attachment formed in childhood do not change. Studies have confirmed that 70-80% of them persist for life. But, on the other hand, this does not mean that the fate of a person is predetermined, and he will suffer all his life because of his mother’s attitude towards him. Experts say that this is just a habit, very stable, but a habit. To change it, you can undergo a course of psychotherapy. Sometimes life itself makes its own adjustments when a significant event occurs in the fate of a child.

It turns out that the way we treat a child after his birth can determine his subsequent fate. Next to the baby should be a loving, caring mother or any other adult. He will not remember that he was under 2 years old, but this period will affect his entire future life.
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About the author

Шакирова Лилия

I am forty years old. I love books, especially English classics, animals. I bring up a child with my husband, a daughter. I'm sure that everything in this world is ultimately arranged correctly.

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